Empathy & Women

One of the reasons we started this new company is because we see things much differently then the rest of community. We feel at best it’s short-sighted for so many reasons.

I have many different perspectives, but one stands out as extremely key in meeting, attracting and having relationships with women. Sure there are certain skills and mindsets that revolve around witty banter and confident body language, and rapport, but those skills are myopic. They focus all attention inwardly.

Well, what about the girl? You can't always just be looking inwardly and keeping your focus there. Your attention needs to be on the woman as much as it needs to be on yourself. We're shooting for interactions here...

Just like no one talks about relationships in the community, no one talks about another HUGE piece.

Reading women.

Whenever you’re with a woman, the interaction is like a dance. The saying “it takes two to tango” is quite relevant.

A problem that I see with guys is that they’re so internally focused that they can’t be present. They forget to be in the moment and mess up the "dance" taking place. They’re so focused on their own footwork that they don’t notice they’re stepping on the girl’s feet.

But, even when they become more present they still don’t pick up on the subtly of the communication.

Reading people is such an invaluable skill set in general. Statistically, people who can do this are more successful and make more money then people who have higher IQ’s and SAT scores. When it comes to success in relationships these people are also exponentially better with people.

Reading people, is at best, extremely complex in nature. There are many skills sets and sub skill sets that go into it, according to leading psychologists.

The one key aspect, agreed upon, is the ability to empathize.

Empathy is identifying with the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another. The process of identifying emotions gives you insight to how someone feels, which in turn gives you clues to why they might be that way, what it takes to maintain or change that feeling, and how to proceed with them.

Can you read how a woman feels at any moment in a conversation? And even if you think you can, are you really picking up on the most important feeling?

Feelings are extremely complex. Ask a woman who has just broke up with a boyfriend how she feels? Then listen to her talk about her feelings…

What you’ll realize is that it’s not as simple as JUST feeling sad, or just feeling depressed. That’s a blanket generalization that doesn’t capture nuances.

It’s closer to a feeling of loss, with some sadness, regret, loneliness, anger, relief, anxiety, and hope mixed together in varying degrees. That subtly and distinction are extremely important to pick up on. It’s the difference between:

Understanding there is a problem
and
Understanding the problem

The interesting part is that empathizing starts internally. In order to identify with someone else’s emotions, you have to have had that emotion. Someone who’s NEVER experienced loss won’t be able to identify with a feeling of loss. This means that they will completely miss this emotion and everything that goes along with it.

Now, my example was pretty extreme. Most people have felt a sense of loss. In fact most people have most emotions as that is the human experience. Where people screw up is that they don’t recognize it in themselves or other people.

When I say recognize, I mean without someone having to say it.

Let me give an example.

You go over to meet your new girlfriend at her house because you’re going out to dinner with your good friends whom she hasn’t met. When you arrive, she opens the doorwith no makeup on and annoyed look on her face. She gives you a quick kiss and then disappears into her room to continue fixing her hair and putting on her makeup. She’s obviously agitated for some reason, so you plop on the couch and watch TV waiting patiently giving her some space. While you’re waiting she starts shouting orders at you from her room, to bring her the blow dryer and her liquid cover-up. You really don’t mind except for the fact that she ORDERED you and said it with a lot of attitude. You don’t even know what the hell liquid cover up looks like and bring in everything. You set it right next to her. Being that you were more then slightly annoyed with her tone earlier you respond to her “rudeness” with an abrupt, “you’re welcome.”

At this point, she starts shooting daggers from her eyes. When she looks down she realizes you brought all of her makeup because you didn't know what to bring. She then erupts into a diatribe about how you NEVER listen to her. You retort back defending the the false comment which only pisses her off even more. She then pulls out all the stops on every single little thing that you have ever done: from drinking too much to being cheap. She finishes off telling you how it's not working out between you…

Does this sound familiar?

I remember incidents like this vividly and thinking that women were crazy – literally. For a long time I assumed that this was normal. And the sad part is for a lot of people it is normal.

So here’s where story changes…

Had you sensed the subtle abruptness right away AND tried to empathize with her, it could have been different. If you had taken a moment to try and see things from her perspective you might have avoided the drama. You would have realized that as fun as getting dinner with friends SHOULD be, that was not necessarily the case for her. You might have considered that she was probably feeling rushed and anxious over meeting your good friends. Since you were still a new couple you might have sensed that she was anxious because she knew it would be important for YOUR friends to like her because if they didn’t like her, you would probably end up leaving her. If she get’s rejected then she has to deal with feelings of worthlessness and loneliness. Had you taken the time right away to calm her anxiety over the situation you would have avoided the emotional outburst.

Even worse I consistently hear about guys who sort of get this and miss the point. These guys actually engage in the arguement over not listening, drinking too much, and being cheap. These guys don't understand that you need to deal with the issue driving the emotion. The real emotion was that she was anxious, nervous, excited, and worried about meeting your friends. Taking a second to empathize with her, would have given anyone great insight to the real motivation.

Understanding women, is understanding the emotions that drive them. Women don’t make all of their decisions based on emotion. However, they do make all of their relationship decisions that way.

My point is really to highlight that, becoming better with women means empathizing with women. Most guys focus too much on the steps of meeting women. They're so focused internally that they miss all the clues that women give back to them and remain unsuccessful. It means taking the time to actually understand women, rather then just knowing a sequence that gets them to sleep with you.

Joe

New Company

Drum roll please...

It's on like Donkey Kong! We're doing it. Yup, that's right. I want to change the world MY way. Sean Messenger (Newman), Dan Mangano, Ben P, and myself have decided to start our own business.

I'm excited about it too. We basically get to teach all the things that didn't make it in the Pickup101 curriculum. We want to advance things too the next level. The community has always been about making "better men and happier women."

That message has been lost though and we're here to change that.

More to come....

Joe

New Stuff

Anyways, I've been out for awhile...a long while. I've been busy with work, life, etc. Anyways, Pickup101 has a new product coming out called Charismatic Conversations. Normally, I wouldn't bother mentioning it, but this time is a little different because I'm featured in it quite a bit.

This program is so special because here at pickup101 we really focus on body language. I personally have found that to be the most important aspect if you had to pick one thing when it comes to being more attractive. BUT, besides that, I think what you say to a woman is a close second. This program is, basically, everything that we know on "what to say" to a woman. I think this is going to be one of the best, if not the best, products on the market once it's released.

The coolest part of the video is going to be the instructor demonstrations. We have our super-girls on the video and Lance came up with a fun idea. Rather then giving the audience a bunch of routines, he decided to pick situations that all guys run into flirting with a woman. Things like when the girls asks you to buy her a drink, or when she acts cold and ignores you. He picked about 50 of these different situations and had four of his instructors one side and the girls on the other. Then he would ask one of the instructors to walk up and talk to the girls and they would act out the situation. The instructors job was to show how he personally would navigate the conversation in that situation. What ended up happening was the audience got a real good idea how we actually were in real life. They got to see the common themes rather then just getting scripted responses. They got to see us riff off the girls and I think that made a huge difference in their understanding of "what is supposed to look and sound like."

Anyways, if you interested in buying it, there is information on the page, but even if you're only curious then check it out. We have a trailer video for the weekend up on the website.

http://www.charismaticconversations.com

Enjoy.

Direct Vs. Indirect

So I have been listening to a lot of guys discuss the differences between direct and indirect approaches. The thing is I think a lot of guys have a general concept of the differences, but that they don’t fundamentally understand the differences.

Let's say you had a group of girls together. And these girls watched a guy using direct approach a girl. Then they watched a guy use indirect approach on a girl.
In both cases a socially savvy girl is going to be able to identify that the guys is interested in the girl and hitting on her. Now we always talk about how girls are about ten times more socially intuitive then guys. I think this is just another case of that. It doesn’t matter which you prefer, because the girl always knows what’s going on. The important part is that you approached the girl — she gets what is really going on.

I don't think it's necessary to over-complicate it with all kinds of convoluted terms that make it a more abstract concept then it really is. In frat boy speak - Dude, walks up to chick and spits some game because he think she’s hot
When it comes to differences in practice I think there is only one main distinction. The main difference is that with direct you must sub-communicate sincerity and indirect your sub-communicate playfulness. That’s it. It doesn’t matter what you say, what matters is the intention behinds the words.

More than that I think those two vibes are polar ends of a spectrum. Most interactions are NOT all one or the other when you're talking about playfulness and sincerity. Usually they’re some combination of the two leaning more one way or the other.
The thing is you can't focus too much on the words because they are unimportant. I could walk up to a girl and tell her I think she’s the most gorgeous creature on the earth and use any type of direct language, but say it playfully. You know what will happen? The girl will laugh, think I'm fun as hell, and full of shit. She'll know that I'm being playful.
The distinction is that when you use a direct method you are communicating sincerity behind those words. The sincerity is what makes the interaction direct. The playfulness is what makes the interaction indirect.

I had a client ask me a really interesting question when I was explaining this to him.
He asked that at some point you will need to either go on a date or get her phone number, which is direct — therefore is their ever truly an indirect approach?

I told him that I think when you're referring to direct and indirect, this is only in terms of generating physical attraction. To peruse any kind of relationship with a female there is always a time in which you need to actually connect with her. You need to have some sort of emotional relevance in her life if you ever want to have a relationship — whatever your definition of that is.

The direct and indirect are really how you choose to generate attraction. Either by playfully being dismissive, joking, and making her laugh, or overwhelming her senses with a very intense and genuine compliment that communicates sincerity.
Attraction is very fleeting. Most guys think that if they can make girls laugh and generate a physical attraction then they’re set. The dirty little secret is guys that get good at attraction go through a period of dealing with flakes. Do you want they eventually learn? To make real connections quickly so that the girl thinks about him after they meet the first time because JUST attraction usually isn’t enough.
Let me explain because this seems counter intuitive. Attraction works similarly for both men and women. So let’s look at how it works for us.

When you see a hot chick walk down the street you get that visceral feeling of attraction. As soon as she is out of your sight, it goes away. You might remember how you felt, but the proof is that when another equally hot chick is within your eye sight, you forget about the first girl because you are attracted to the second one who is in front of you.
The physical attraction is important, but if you don’t have any emotional relevance to her then when you’re not right in front of her being attractive, she quickly forgets about you.
The thing is you really need to learn both. You don’t really need to learn it because you should be able to do both approaches, but because fundamentally what is behind them is what you need.

Guys can get really short sighted when they’re trying to fix this part of their life. They think that if they can just learn the approach part that they’ll be fine. When you get really good at approaching, you are dealing with a much different female then you’re used too — even if you have had tons of relationships.

You will still always need to be able to be completely genuine and sincere and playful if you EVER want to have relationships. Connecting with a female is typically not an option for most girls who you want a long term relationship. But, being playful is and bantering is a fundamental behind keeping a passionate relationship. The attraction is the spark behind the passion.

I have found that being playful is the most successful way to keep your girl attracted and wanting you every single day. Do you call her a brat and smack her ass everyday? Kind of silly how that always works on her, but it makes sense. Do you ever really get tired of seeing your hot girlfriend in a bikini? I have found when I stop doing those playful things is when my relationships started to decline. Just like when your girl stops looking hot for you, you begin to loss attraction from her.

Spring Fashion

For you fashion savvy individuals, my current job at Saks 5th Ave gives me some insider information on current fashion. This is what will be in this spring for both men and women according to the buyers.

If you're looking to be in style this season pay close attention.


MEN'S SPRING 2007










NAVY BLAZER

a nicely cut, spring weight navy blazer is definitely our first among equals this spring
dresses up casual looks, even shorts; keeps dressy events from being too stuffy
the deeper the navy tones the more versatile the blazer











WHITE JEANS

they're jeans so they're cool, but they're white so they're more polished than your average denim
try them with a great short sleeve shirt, stands out in a good way
they take a navy blazer into the sporty zone, champ











SHORT SLEEVE SHIRT

the tailored shirt got a reprieve from cuffs, just as right, just cooler than before
you are allowed to pop up the collar but only when you're alone on the beach with the dogs
plaids, patterns all in easy-on-the-eye colors











RUGBY SHIRT

speaking of sporty, in terms of shirts it doesn't get any more winning than this
we like the stripes in mixed colors best
the white collar hooks up with the white jean without looking premeditated











SPORTY SUNGLASSES

aerodynamics are the key, sleek, hints of motocross styling
aviators are always right, this spring squared up a bit
think skiers, skydivers, cyclists, Steve McQueen











STREET SNEAKERS

when we say street, we're thinking more urbane than urban
ergonomics meet foot art, look for organic shapes and colors
try them with your new seersucker suit for a sporting footnote











CLASSIC SWIMSUIT

a classic suit is just the right length trunk in a easy-going tropical print
square cuts and even swimmer suits can be classic, as long as they're graphic and dark
check out the new hybrid suits, part swimsuit, part walking shorts












DRESSED UP SHORTS

put a blazer over shorts and you've taken the whole afternoon to the next level
call it Global Warming, but shorts are more acceptable more places than ever, as long as you've dressed them up a bit
leave the printed t-shirt at home, drop on the tailored short sleeve shirt instead











SEERSUCKER

seersucker is cool this spring, literally and figuratively
makes a great blazer for dressing up or down
in shorts or pants it's the subtlest way to have a sporting stripe



WOMEN'S SPRING 2007












CHIC DAY DRESS

it's the ultimate in one-piece dressing
look for extra-feminine details like eyelet, tiny ruffles and soft colors
short is the sweetest length, from an inch above the knee to as high as you dare to go, just stay in your comfort zone
remember a mini can be a tad more modest doubling as a tunic over slim pants












COCKTAIL DRESS

the pretty/posh party dress has returned in the biggest way
choose short and fluttery or slightly longer and leaner
a metallic shoe ups the glamour quotient











CRISP WHITE SHIRT

in a season of ultra-femininity, this tailored classic is a refreshing alternative
bright white is the light half of the graphic spectator trend
pair it with a black skirt, trousers, or even a slim city short











FLAT SHOE

the dancer flat keeps the flightly spring silhouette demurely grounded
try flats with the mini dress, trousers, almost anything this spring
here, too, metallics put a little extra glamour into your daytime look












PLATFORM SHOE

in the transition toward the pretty pump, this is the height of style
don't forget heels on a platform are not just for night, try them with jeans
keep it lively with animal prints or mixed metals











SHORTS

there's no stopping women's love affair with shorts...of all lengths
the long slim short is spring's alternative to the skirt or pants
try an oversized blouse or shirt to give the silhouette balance












HAND-HELD BAG

the evolution of the clutch, best small and smart
this is a good spot for a touch of spring's hot metals
look for textures, like woven and quilted leathers, and wristlet handles












HIGH-WAISTED BELT

wear the new belts, as wide as they come, above the natural waist
it cinches the silhouette of spring, which starts high and stays there
another strategic way to add a flash of metallics








FLORAL FRAGRANCE

when ruffles and roses are in the air, a sweet garden-born scent can't be far behind
look for notes from subtle exotics like neroli with just a touch of tuberose
indulge your romantic fantasies more often, wear florals every day



fashion, style, shopping

Pickup 101 Intro Seminar – What are you waiting for?!

So, let me lay down some experience. And I’m not talking dating advice here; I’m talking about how to make a change in your life. Having started from an unhappy guy to a guy satisfied with his love life – I want to let you know the deal.

If you’re actually going to make a change – then do it. Don’t wait around for your inner game to get better, to memorize a few routines, or to practice your openers.

Having known about the community – and all the concepts – for years now I can say one thing.

Reading didn’t help me get better once. It helped me to change the way I thought, but in terms of affecting my ability to meet girls it has minimal returns.

When you take a pickup101 workshop, you won’t learn anything that you couldn’t read about somewhere on the internet. There truly aren’t any secret revolutionary concepts that we save ONLY for workshops.

I’m serious, go read some reviews. They’ll talk about all of the concepts, exercises, and advice that we give. Read enough of them and I’ll bet you could put together a pretty good manual to refer too.

You know why we don’t care that something like this could even exist? I mean, aren’t all of our “trade secrets” going to get out? The answer is NO, because we have no reason to hide it.

We have no reason to hide it because it really won’t help anyone.

Think about it. How do you get better at public speaking, by reading or by practicing? How do you learn how to act, by reading or by practicing? How do learn stand up comedy, by reading or by practicing?

Interacting with people is a physical skill – NOT a intellectual one. So, then why wouldn’t your physically practice? This concept it really the core of why Pickup101 workshops are so effective. It has EVERYTHING to do with practicing.

Hell, ask our interns if even being present at a workshop helps. These guys get to sit front row and center in on the whole weekend, but do NOT participate at all other then observing. They’ll tell you it was cool, but it doesn’t even come close to actually participating in the exercises.

Having said this, I get really frustrated at intro-seminars. I get frustrated because guys who come spend $50 to come see what we’re about. If you decide after that it’s not for you – that’s totally cool. The people who drive me nuts are the guys who really want to take the workshop, but don’t.

They spend enough time and money on the internet researching us, paying the money, coming down to the seminar, listening for two hours, and chatting to us afterwards. They think waiting is going to make a difference.

They need to wait until they fix their inner game, learn new openers, learn new routines, or whatever else. They fail to realize that this will in fact make it harder later. They’ll be so caught up thinking that they won’t be able to ACT.

That’s really what this is about – taking action. Who cares if you know what you’re supposed to do, but can’t actually do it. Sure, you may give great advice to your friends, how does that help you?

And the money…it’s never a good time to spend $2,000, but I personally found the workshop more rewarding than my college education which cost me $20,000. And I spent that money without thinking twice.

But let’s really talk about the money, because that always seems to be the issue. Ever thought about the opportunity cost of the money for you economically oriented guys?

I have spent tons of money on women - flowers, dinners, drinks, dates. If I really had to think about how much I have actually spent on a woman, I might actually cry. And I’ve never even been married and had to pay for a ring, a wedding, a house, or kids. What happens when that all fails apart because you settled on a woman, rather then marrying someone you really were into. Someone you could handle because you have the experience.

Have you seen what the cost of a divorce really looks like?

Why NOT spend that money on yourself so that instead of making some woman happy, you can make yourself happy. Empower yourself rather then taking her on a date. How many bad dates do you have to go on before you realize that you have wasted $2,000. How much will you kick yourself in the butt a year from now knowing that you could have taken this, but instead you wasted $2,000 and have NOTHING to show for it?

Spend that money on yourself rather then someone else. Make your own life better. You’re going to spend it somewhere, maybe not all at once, but somewhere. Hold off buying that new LCD TV, golf clubs, or computer and spend it on something that is truly going to make a difference in your life.

Spend the money on making your relationships better instead of things to occupy your time distracting from being unhappy about the fact that you have no woman in your life to share it with.

Or don’t….

When you come to that workshop, I’m not going to ask you why you’re not going to take it. You won’t need to make any excuses to me.

The only excuse that you’ll need to make is to yourself.

pickup 101

Female Friends, Social Circles, and the quickest way to get better with Women

I have always kept female friends around. It’s always included girls that I have always been completely platonic with and girls that I have dated, either seriously or casually. I’m the type of person I like having friends around and I especially can appreciate female energy.

I realize though not all guys are like this. Some guys just like having guys around. Maybe just because that’s what they’re used too. Some guys don’t keep many friends around at all. But, something that I have noticed is that guys who are truly good with women keep just as many female friends as they do male friends.

Interesting. Seems obvious doesn’t it? If you’re reading this, I’m sure you’d like to improve your skills with women. So, let me ask you? How many close female friends do you have?

If you don’t, how come?

If you don’t have a lot of close female friends around you, I’d be willing to bet that you never really have had close female friends – other then a girlfriend here and there. If you want to get better at reading and understanding women, the quickest way is to have female friends.

I was talking to some “PUAs” the other day. By the way, I don’t like that acronym and use it to describe guys new that think it’s about tips, tricks and techniques – basically out of touch with reality.

Anyways, they were talking about how they never stay friends because they make the “ho say no.” I think there is an element to the statement that can helpful to certain guys who aren’t used to escalating, but that’s typically not the context for it. Whatever the case, these guys basically thought keeping female friends was NOT important.

So for you “PUAs” out there who think this isn’t important, ever heard of social circle game? For you guys that understand money – not women, let me put it this way. Female friends are not all that different from making financial investments where you can make residual income. One female friend that you keep a genuinely close connection with can be your gateway to many other women. In fact if you meet a very social chick who’s cool, you potentially could have a limitless supply of her friends always in and out of the dynamic.

The rest of the world, who doesn’t like to meet people in bars, coffee shops, grocery stores, speed dating events, likes to meet through their social circle. In fact, this is the preferred way for most of the world to meet people.

Just like VISA and MASTERCARD.

So, let me offer so different advice. You could go out and do 10 cold approaches and try and date those women. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won’t, but in either case you’ll only have access to those ten women.

Or

You could go out and make 10 female friends. You can practice flirting with them, you can connect with them, and never escalate to something physical. When it’s said and done you have the opportunity to meet more women, then just those ten women, by just being friends with them.

Think about it, just because things are platonic doesn't mean you can't practice flirting. You make 10 new friends and you have 10 new people that you can practice flirting with - this is how you really make a lasting change. I flirt with everyone because I have become that guy. I practiced it until it became natural and I started by practicing on my female friends.

If you like to talk about “modeling reality” and “naturals” this is what they do. "Naturals" keep girls around them all the time, platonic and non-platonic. They always keep women around who are friends, and those women always bring more women around, and they didn’t have to do one single cold approach and are still very successful with lots of different women on a regular basis.

Think about it.