Monday, April 2, 2007

Direct Vs. Indirect


So I have been listening to a lot of guys discuss the differences between direct and indirect approaches. The thing is I think a lot of guys have a general concept of the differences, but that they don’t fundamentally understand the differences.

Let's say you had a group of girls together. And these girls watched a guy using direct approach a girl. Then they watched a guy use indirect approach on a girl.
In both cases a socially savvy girl is going to be able to identify that the guys is interested in the girl and hitting on her. Now we always talk about how girls are about ten times more socially intuitive then guys. I think this is just another case of that. It doesn’t matter which you prefer, because the girl always knows what’s going on. The important part is that you approached the girl — she gets what is really going on.

I don't think it's necessary to over-complicate it with all kinds of convoluted terms that make it a more abstract concept then it really is. In frat boy speak - Dude, walks up to chick and spits some game because he think she’s hot
When it comes to differences in practice I think there is only one main distinction. The main difference is that with direct you must sub-communicate sincerity and indirect your sub-communicate playfulness. That’s it. It doesn’t matter what you say, what matters is the intention behinds the words.

More than that I think those two vibes are polar ends of a spectrum. Most interactions are NOT all one or the other when you're talking about playfulness and sincerity. Usually they’re some combination of the two leaning more one way or the other.
The thing is you can't focus too much on the words because they are unimportant. I could walk up to a girl and tell her I think she’s the most gorgeous creature on the earth and use any type of direct language, but say it playfully. You know what will happen? The girl will laugh, think I'm fun as hell, and full of shit. She'll know that I'm being playful.
The distinction is that when you use a direct method you are communicating sincerity behind those words. The sincerity is what makes the interaction direct. The playfulness is what makes the interaction indirect.

I had a client ask me a really interesting question when I was explaining this to him.
He asked that at some point you will need to either go on a date or get her phone number, which is direct — therefore is their ever truly an indirect approach?

I told him that I think when you're referring to direct and indirect, this is only in terms of generating physical attraction. To peruse any kind of relationship with a female there is always a time in which you need to actually connect with her. You need to have some sort of emotional relevance in her life if you ever want to have a relationship — whatever your definition of that is.

The direct and indirect are really how you choose to generate attraction. Either by playfully being dismissive, joking, and making her laugh, or overwhelming her senses with a very intense and genuine compliment that communicates sincerity.
Attraction is very fleeting. Most guys think that if they can make girls laugh and generate a physical attraction then they’re set. The dirty little secret is guys that get good at attraction go through a period of dealing with flakes. Do you want they eventually learn? To make real connections quickly so that the girl thinks about him after they meet the first time because JUST attraction usually isn’t enough.
Let me explain because this seems counter intuitive. Attraction works similarly for both men and women. So let’s look at how it works for us.

When you see a hot chick walk down the street you get that visceral feeling of attraction. As soon as she is out of your sight, it goes away. You might remember how you felt, but the proof is that when another equally hot chick is within your eye sight, you forget about the first girl because you are attracted to the second one who is in front of you.
The physical attraction is important, but if you don’t have any emotional relevance to her then when you’re not right in front of her being attractive, she quickly forgets about you.
The thing is you really need to learn both. You don’t really need to learn it because you should be able to do both approaches, but because fundamentally what is behind them is what you need.

Guys can get really short sighted when they’re trying to fix this part of their life. They think that if they can just learn the approach part that they’ll be fine. When you get really good at approaching, you are dealing with a much different female then you’re used too — even if you have had tons of relationships.

You will still always need to be able to be completely genuine and sincere and playful if you EVER want to have relationships. Connecting with a female is typically not an option for most girls who you want a long term relationship. But, being playful is and bantering is a fundamental behind keeping a passionate relationship. The attraction is the spark behind the passion.

I have found that being playful is the most successful way to keep your girl attracted and wanting you every single day. Do you call her a brat and smack her ass everyday? Kind of silly how that always works on her, but it makes sense. Do you ever really get tired of seeing your hot girlfriend in a bikini? I have found when I stop doing those playful things is when my relationships started to decline. Just like when your girl stops looking hot for you, you begin to loss attraction from her.